Frequently Asked Questions
I have heard that sometimes people need permission to die. My dad is dying, and I feel he is hanging on for me. How do I let him know that it is okay for him to go?
People often find it hard to start a conversation like this, feeling like they don’t want the dying parent/ sibling/friend to feel like they are being asked to hurry up and die.
When I find myself in this situation, I begin by telling the person why they are important to me. I then tell them that when they are gone, I will miss them very much but that I am strong enough to survive losing them.
As my dad was dying, I started by telling him I so appreciated all he did for me throughout my life. I talked about some family trips we had taken when I was young, and we laughed about funny things that had happened as I was growing up. Then I said, “I love having you in my life Dad, but I want you to know when it is time for you to go, I will miss you, but I will be okay.
My neighbor has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given six months to live. I want to go visit her and offer my support, but I am afraid I will say the wrong thing. Do you have any suggestions?
In my experience, I have found that many people share your feelings of fearing they might say the wrong thing or feel they just don’t know what to say to someone who is seriously ill. Because people are uncomfortable when visiting someone they know is dying, friends often choose not to visit. I am glad you want to make the effort to see your friend.
When I visit a friend who I know is seriously ill or dying, I usually begin by saying something like, “I just wanted to stop by and find out how you are doing. Then I say something like, “I am so sorry you are having to go through this.” If I have thought about something I can do, I will say, “I would be happy to take you to the doctor, bring over dinner several times a week….do shopping…. I have found if I just say I want to help, people seldom ask. My friends are more likely to accept my help if I offer to do specific things for them.